Matt Smallbone

Last night I slept under the stars with our eldest son, Isaac (4). It was a great night of alleged monster appearances and bush whizzing on our favorite tree.

This morning I stumbled off the trampoline as a guy who had just clocked 9-years of marital bliss… and it feels great.

The first time I spoke with Mary was on the first day of Year 11, in our home class at Concordia College, Toowoomba. It was a warm February morning and my heart leaped out of my chest. This girl was special. She seemed at ease with herself and was very kind. She really didn’t act like an insecure teenager… even though we all were.

Mary would not go out with me, even though I knew I wanted to marry her. We were best friends for the next two years, and we still have a pile of letters that we wrote to each other during that time. We once even held hands at the movies during Jurassic Park (through the cup holder… classy) but it turned out that that was a one way deal.

We left for University two years after we first met and I fell in and out of love at least three times in that period. If I have to be honest, Mary was always in the back of mind… if only as the ‘one who got away’.

At the end of 1998, we reconnected on a beach mission in Mooloolaba. This was a camp where relationships were outlawed… and as is always the case… romance was blooming all around.

Mary and I were dating in secret when this was taken.

We were married April 7, 2001… and we have had a great run. I am not envious of anyone else’s marriage. I have a great life.

However, I dwell in a world of broken marriages and aching hearts. I often reflect on what we have done that has worked so well.

Here are our secrets (From True Love’s Kiss – February 4, 2010)

1. We have made a lot of good decisions.

For example.

When we were first married, Mary was teaching and I was disappearing to minister around Australia for weeks at a time in an indie-rock-ministry band. She felt the pressure of being the main provider, and was becoming miserable. So… I wrote her resignation letter for her and gave it to her as a gift.

I then stepped up to the plate and started providing for the family.

(Tragedy averted).

2. We have fun

My dad starts every marriage counseling session with the question,

“Are you fun to live with?”

I acknowledge that this is not the most sophisticated line of existential questioning; however, I suspect that it is the most important marital question of all.

I know that you are sitting there thinking, “Come on rookie, there is more to it than that”.

You are right of course.

We are sensible with money and avoid stressing ourselves out. We never criticize each other in public or raise our voices. Ultimately though, fun and solid decision making gets us home. These two keys allow Mary to respect me, and her respect allows me to love her.

A man must feel respected and a woman must feel loved for a happy marriage to exist.

Now, some of you religious folks out there are concerned that I didn’t mention that ‘God is the center of our relationship’.

Well… He is.

But I know of great marriages where this isn’t the case. Christians don’t have the mortgage on happy marriages … and this is a shame. It is sad when ‘ministers of reconciliation’ can’t figure out a way to live in marital bliss.

Here is what I recommend  for anyone in a rough marriage.

Make the big decisions that need to be made and start having fun with each other again.

These two simple steps may well plot your course back to the harbor. You will need to be brave, but nothing of significance was ever won by the timid.

If I have observed one thing about true love it is this:

There is nothing more attractive than a woman who has been well-loved for decades.

I want that for Mary. I want that so bad I can taste it.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 7th, 2010 at 8:09 am and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.