Matt Smallbone

The Smallbone family were at a Super Bowl party on Sunday when I realized that our ‘Prodigal Ukulele’ was sitting on the top shelf beside the host’s television. (As a literary footnote it must be noted that the word prodigal actually means ‘wasteful’ rather than ‘missing’).

This is not just a broken child’s toy; rather this is my four-year old son’s pride and joy. It had been missing in action for over 12-months and it was a joyful reunion to say the least. This is the ‘electric guitar’ that Isaac learnt to rock on. It had found its way home.

So, it made sense that we should go to Boomer’s Music as a father son outing and get some new strings for the ukulele.

Isaac is passionate about music… but he is mostly passionate about U2. He would watch U2 concerts on DVD and play along with them all day if we allowed him. His favorite concert (this week) is the Vertigo Tour that he received for Christmas from Auntie Katie.

He loves nothing more than to play the entire show twice in a row. The first time through the set, he plays guitar and the second time he is the drummer. His drum kit is a collection of toys that he arranges carefully around the stool that he used to stand on to go to the bathroom. He also lines up about 6-guitars (which include a hobby horse, wooden spoon and a baseball bat) on the couch.

Anyway, as we walked into the music shop, the first thing he says is,

“Daddy, that looks like The Edge’s pointy (Gibson Thunderbird) guitar”.

The clerk smiled. And he quickly followed with,

“Ohhh daddy. That is Larry Mullen Junior’s drum kit”.

The clerk laughed.

One time we were in New York City with my old band Alabaster Box and we stumbled upon Bono having a photo shoot in Central Park. My mate Justin Nace (now drummer for the Sidewalk Prophets) snagged this shot on his tip-toes over the top of an Eastern European soccer team.

It was clutch.

As we left, Isaac (then 2) said, ‘Where’s Yarry… Where’s Yarry Murrin’.

He wanted to meet the drummer!

Anyway… all of this to say, the owner of the music store thought Isaac was a legend and let him play the practice drum sets in the store. Isaac counted to four while tapping the sticks above his head… and he was off.

It brought me so much joy to see the pleasure that Isaac experienced hitting the skins. My heart felt like it would burst. He was at home.

He now wants nothing more than a drum set of his own… but there are some problems with this.

1. We live in a 1500 square foot house
2. I worry that if we get him a ‘real’ drum kit now, he will take it for granted when he is older and not be interested in music (I got my first bass at 13 years old after playing a nylon-stringed acoustic guitar with 2-strings removed from it for a year).
3. His birthday is not until September. (We don’t want to create an environment for him where he gets whatever he wants whenever he wants).

Ultimately we feel that one of the most important things that we can give our children is to teach them how to ‘delay gratification’. However, drumming is something that brings him great happiness. I feel like God is pleased when he drums.

So… we don’t know what to do.

Should we:

• buy the drum kit now?

• wait til he’s a bit older?

• wait til his birthday?

It feels like this is a really important parental decision for us to get right and I just don’t know the best way forward.

Does anyone have any advice for a novice parent like myself??

These two truths I believe are self-evident:

a)      My wife is smoking hot.

b)      I have a great marriage.

The events of the Tiger Woods saga have proven once and for all that the relationship between (a) and (b) is anything but causal.

As each year passes, I am increasingly surrounded by friends in unhappy marriages. As a result, I have found myself deep in the trenches in the marriage saving business.

I on the other hand have been blessed with a remarkable 9-year run of marital bliss. The failing marriages around me have caused me to consider what has gone so right for us… and so wrong for others.

Without suggesting that I have even a clue as to why people struggle to love each other within the bounds of marriage, I think that I have figured out the two main things that Mary and I have done right.

1. We have made a lot of good decisions.

For example.

When we were first married, Mary was teaching and I was disappearing to minister around Australia for weeks at a time in an indie-rock-ministry band. She felt the pressure of being the main provider, and was becoming miserable. So… I wrote her resignation letter for her and gave it to her as a gift.

I then stepped up to the plate and started providing for the family.

(Tragedy averted).

2. We have fun

My dad starts every marriage counseling session with the question,

“Are you fun to live with?”

I acknowledge that this is not the most sophisticated line of existential questioning; however, I suspect that it is the most important marital question of all.

I know that you are sitting there thinking, “Come on rookie, there is more to it than that”.

You are right of course.

We are sensible with money and avoid stressing ourselves out. We never criticize each other in public or raise our voices. Ultimately though, fun and solid decision making gets us home. These two keys allow Mary to respect me, and her respect allows me to love her.

A man must feel respected and a woman must feel loved for a happy marriage to exist.

Now, some of you religious folks out there are concerned that I didn’t mention that ‘God is the center of our relationship’.

Well… He is.

But I know of great marriages where this isn’t the case. Christians don’t have the mortgage on happy marriages … and this is a shame. It is sad when ‘ministers of reconciliation’ can’t figure out a way to live in marital bliss.

Here is what I recommend  for anyone in a rough marriage.

Make the big decisions that need to be made and start having fun with each other again.

These two simple steps may well plot your course back to the harbor. You will need to be brave, but nothing of significance was ever won by the timid.

If I have observed one thing about true love it is this:

There is nothing more attractive than a woman who has been well-loved for decades.

I want that for Mary. I want that so bad I can taste it.

It is time for you to join this discussion. What do you think are the two most important ingredients of a happy marriage?

I’m realizing that I tend to operate like the older brother in the Prodigal Son story.

During my 4 years on Campus at the University of Queensland I was a strict teetotaler. I really did imagine that my mates were thinking ‘Man… Matty Smallbone doesn’t need beer to have fun. Maybe I should consider this God of his’.

I only drank half a beer in that four year period because a mate of mine passed an exam that we all thought that he would fail. I couldn’t finish it. I somehow imagined that I was ruining  the moral future of  the not-so moderate drinkers on my floor via 180ml of XXXX Gold.

Less than 10% of people go to church regularly in Australia. I was so worried about ‘weakening the resolve of a younger brother’ that I couldn’t join them at venue where they felt comfortable.

I’m not here to debate the pros and cons of alcohol consumption for Christians with anyone. You already know what you think. (It’s probably one of those ‘work out your own salvation with fear and trembling moments’ anyway).

What I do know is that Jesus would  have really enjoyed the company of my friends at UQ… and he would have engaged in a much deeper way than I ever did… and lives would have changed forever.

Self-righteousness is a real handicap to a rich spiritual life because you tend to find yourself in need of a helper rather than a Saviour. And if you understand the consequence of sin, you know that we all need a Saviour.

*PRAT- You make a prat of yourself by mistakenly putting both legs down one knicker leg or by playing air guitar at a pop concert. (urbandictionary.com)